Dinner for two aka Cooking for Retards pt II

Miso and Udon Vege Soup
This is a little creation i made up afew winters ago,good for a cold fat friend or asian chick any suffered of avian or yellow fever might find handy.

Ingredients
Udon noodles (not the ones pre cooked in a long life plastic sack)
1 red chilli
2cm Cube fresh ginger peeled(not out of a jar..thats for old ladies and white trash)
2 cloves garlic
1 spring onion
1 T spoon miso paste
1 T spoon vege stock
2 pak choy
1 pack fresh baby corn
1 T spoon soy sauce

dice garlic,ginger and chilli finely and fry off in a large sauce pan with vegetable oil.
add sliced spring onion and miso paste.
half fill with water and add vege stock..bring mix to boil
slice baby corn and pak choy (only use pak choy stalk leaving the leaves).very finely slice the leaves.
add corn to pot with noodles.
when the noodles are 3/4 cooked (i pray you know how to check that shit) add pak choy.
when the noodles are ready take off the heat and stir in the sliced leaves.
If you want to add mung beans,snow peas etc. now is the point to set that off..
serve into bowls and spoon the broth ontop..

HALOUMI SALAD

This is a total winner..if you don’t think so..well your a homo.The ugliest person on earth could get jessica alba with this one(maybe)…

Ingredients
1 block haloumi (you can get it from coles or safeway)
1/2 box cherry tomatoes
2 handfulls fresh rocket leaves
1/2 sweet potatoe
1/2 avocado
1 bunch broccillini
Dressing
2 t spoon whole grain mustard
juice 1 lime
2 t olive oil (dont be cheap on this)
pepper
1 t good quality mayo or dijonaise

pre heat oven to HOT, peel and dice sweet potato into 1-2cm cubes and put into oven for about 20 mins(remember to rotate.
halve cherry tomatoes,wash rocket and put into mixing bowl..chop broccilini including stalks into chunks and saute’ quickly in fry pan before adding to mixing bowl with rocket and tomato.
using a blunt knife halve avocado part and slice,before or after taking from its skin..
the dressing.
add all ingredients into a small bowl or jugg and mix until the oil is no longer seperated from the mix.
slice haloumi off the block into 5mm slices and fry in non stick pan unitl golden on both sides.
take hand fulls of the mix onto a plate or bowl (either is cool) add in half of the avocado slices and haloumi and dressing to suit.

finaleeee

 

Another over night drive back to germany…this is where things get weird!! Odi the driver starts bitching about money and sleep then makes us get a 1hr ferry so he can sleep abit..we agree…instead of sleeping he walks around the ferry like a zombie..$70 well spent.After about 2hrs of him not following the GPS we finally get to the venue,Me and Klint split to get some wifi conects while the rest of the dudes chill..we find a network thats unlocked called SPEIGEL…turns out to be school in german…learn something new every day..

We come back to find Baina punching the side of the van..turns out Odi us refusing to take us to get some food and its not his job to drive us around…retard!!! everyone is pissed..bain tries to call nanouk from avocado but cant get through and Odi calls him a pussy…bad move russian..calling a 120kg hungry man a pussy is like poking a rhino in the eye with a stink..”ill stab you in the neck till you die motherfucker” direct quote from a bottle holding baina…We unload the entire van and work out our options to fire Odi and drive ourselves for the last 2 days , luckily nanouk sorted it all out and Sean being the nice jersey kid he is acts as the middle man between the retarded chenobyl reject Odi and the mob of 10 dudes ready to murder someone and leave him in the woods for the bears.

the show is kinda gay and the opening bands play for about 2 hrs.We finally get to play and the vibe is ok..some kids moshing..the promoter is a 17yr old kid who looks like a simpsons character we call “oodur” ..he starts moshing and some old skin head looking wild dudes push him around..the kid gets upset and cuts our set off…then the venue owner who looks like a german donald sutherland comes out and says its cool to finish the show..haha

We drive about 1hr through the woods to some kids house which sux and we end up on some floorboards with a communal show sean ends up clogging with his friday’s shave chest hair..

midday wake up and we’re outta there ASAP…back through the forrest and onto the HWY..we go through some towns with weird dolls up ..kinda halloween X scare crow style..we call them scare jews.

4hrs till the last show of the tour and we’re siked, the show is packed..Dirty money dudes are there and everything is defiantely kicking..Our set was probably as wild as any Oz show..stage dives..mosh..sing alongs.Definately something to end the tour with!!Dirty money kill it and so do RS..at this time its 100000 degrees inside like a sauna..Graham does his best Oz accent in his bad english one..the dude is so awesome.We talk some shit and hopefully he’ll be over this year to annoy the shit out of Australia and fight an abo.

off to ireland….tooodlleee deee

and the rest

 

off to hamburg..its rainy and cold….and dirty.

hamburg just happened to be the crust punk capital of the world and the venue is no exception.When you read in the tour book venue type is “squat” you know its going to be a treat.On the Up we found a cool crepe store and set it off with some nutella crepes..these people could teach those french gypsies a thing or 2 about a thin pancake!!

anyways the show is dud,whatever..we split to the promoters friends house to clean up before the over night drive to sweden.Acording to our dude Pappa Roach just played near his house so we all break out into “cut my life into pieces…this is my last resoorttt” *insert push moshing like a retard here* we see a big ass crowd so i guess that’s them..whatever..we do our thing..the night goes on slowly.We see some dudes from Papa roach walk past our van so i threw some pretzels at them, we were contemplating violence or something but we figured we couldnt be fucked.We started yelling at them to get in the van,strangely enough he did..so we’re chilling with Jacoby aka Johny Vodka aka something else…”oh yall are from american…yall are true punk rock” we talk some shit,the dude is a moron so its kinda funny…”we sold out our whole run man…i feel truely blessed” ..how many kids did you get tonite “16 man” 16 kids? “nah 1600 man”…haha what a tool…the dude looked like james hart from 18v but on crack..the drive is long and shitty..

Sweden is cool..we stop from some food and the people speak good english AND they take euros aswell as their gay currency of swedish Krona, we get some fries and burgers…there is a massive ketchup jug hanging from the wall with a nipple on it you have to milk to get sauce…creepy?

Stockholm is one nice city,everyone is nicely dressed.People are polite..apart from the promoter who is a bossy bitch and starts winging about us not watching the first band because we all have online shit to catch up on…”yeh ill leave my life for 30 minutes to see 5 swedes cover guns up!…” no way..the set is kinda tight and kids go off with some of the worst stage dive (flops) seen on the tour..i guess kids are passive and dont want to hurt each other,im suprised we didnt see any padding in the pit.

oh yarrr technology

here’s some videos of us playing the same songs 24 times in a row..

leeds

le boat,paris

i wish germany won!

at this point in the tour in having a great time…the shows have been cool,im actually gaining weight..we played a small german town on a sunday afternoon,kinda lame but whatever..the promoter is 17 and cool as shit..hooks us up with spaghetti at 1am..my kinda german!!! belgium – gent…shit is about to suck but ill get to that..we get in kinda later than normal, whatever.Thats cool i guess because ive seen all the sights before.We opt for a short walk and coffee adventure as per normal..I randomly ran into Vince from Rise and Fall in  a streetwear shop,talked some shit and split..show was abit like eating cardboard but that is also belgium for some reason..blah blah..we finish ..pack up and get ready to load..i promised afew phone calls so i left my iphone on the charger on the stage as everyone has left and we’re still kicking it in the same room,The bitch ass russian driver is asleep 2 blocks up and won’t answer his phone so i agree to wake his retarted life up,i literally takes 15 minutes for the van wheels to start rolling.we pull up and stop..gear is out ,ready to split..i run inside to get the merch and my phone and its gone..at this point i assume one of the dudes picked it up for me..mikey has the Aus powerboard in his hand and said thats all that was left..shit starts to get heated…noone has my phone..FUCK!!! the only people left at the venue is the fat ass troll of a bartender / girl (debatable) and the sound guy locally known as “stamp midget” according to Cedric.. Stamp midget is acting kinda shady about the whole thing and refuses to empty his pockets and seems to be hiding something..in steps the 120KG juggernaut known as luke bainbridge..smash goes the pepsi bottle at the guys feet..baina grabs the dude and shakes him down.. there is 2 reasons for not wanting to cooperate at this point 1 – the dude is sketchy and has my shit 2 – which is the most probable: Stamp midget doesnt want the fat bar girl to know his fly is broken AND he is wearing a male thong. sorry stamp midget but she’s never going to look at you the same again. so now I’m phoneless, left to stare out the sunroof at the  pastel euro sky for the next 2 weeks which isnt exactly the best thing for someone with ADD to do.. as far as im concerned i will quote the great Klint “i wish the eifel tower was a rocket dragging all of europe into the sun” minus UK and Scandanvia which have yet to piss me of to the point of hanging the orange broken english speaking hunarian driver by a pair of shoe laces from the skylight in the van

boats and hoes

 

france…..i hate you, we were all super tired and rocked up to the venue in some small weird town called decines (turned out to be just out of lyon but who would’ve known).The town is weird,kinda like being in romania or something like that,no english.no open stores..10000 hair dressers and noone with good hair..someone needs training i think!!! 

the people at the venue are less than helpful like every other baguette eating asshole.. “wifi” no we dont have it…the network is clearly showing up with a connection under the venue’s name, we aren’t that dumb mate..so fuck you we’ll make coffee instead,the next issue..we’re all so tired we’re excited for some drip pot coffee scum,Me and Jay notice theres some leakage from the pot “fuck it, we aren’t cleaning up” jay picks up the pot and it starts leaking…then the bottom drops out and spills 1 L of hot coffee all over the table and floor..soaking Klint’s iphone..bummerrr..the show was suprisingly OK.

the supports played for about 2hrs a peice, me and klint hung out doing merch and invented a new game.

welcome to gypsy fishing, equipment required – 1 straightened coat hanger and  duct tape.

mission- to hook your hanger on random by passers causing theft or annoyance

i hooked this one girl “give me your back gypsy” turns out gypsy is a BAD word in france..the girl is pissed at me and storms off..not my fault she was wearing nasty hippy rags and looked terrible.She appears after the next band holding a whack old video camera “gypsy no have camera”…sure they don’t but you could have stolen it from somewhere.

ahhh Paris..romance capital of the world..fuck you to anyone who thinks that..rainy,grey,cold and dismal.My jeans are too long and the bottom gets all soaked and gay.We skipped the train and went to check out the eifel tower for an over priced crepe filled with nutella,for some reason i forgot its not a burrito and i get covered in chocolate.The gypsys selling their wares are out in full force,rain ,hail or shine..this nigerian rocks up to us in a CANADA hat.turns out hes not from canada..REALLLLYYY?

billo starts asking them for shit for free..they start to get pissed at him..”annoying??” now you know how we feel!!  funniest shit.

we see some sights,get more wet and drink more coffee and head to the venue,at this point i fail to inform you that the venue isn’t a venue..its a boat..like a weird flat bed barge..have you ever tried to load an 8×10 ampeg cab down a wet cold gangway onto a boat? anyone say gay??

the show ended up being wild,my long lost cousin from the UK currently living in france came out with some weird international students or something and gets upfront for the start of our set…BAD MOVE!! i saw her get the shit moshed out of her and fall onto the stage a handful of times hahaha…the boat was definately rocking at this point.

foggy ol london town

 

it was cool to be in the UK again..people actually speak proper “english” we all spent the week doing shithouse accents and pissing everyone off..birmingham,leeds,ipswich were all pretty cool shows..small dirty rooms.with bigger dirtier kids..shit was alot better than last tour though,no flakey promoters,better accomodation.Only 1 all day fiesta show(UK loves an all day show with 100000 rubbish bands).we found a random mexican fast food place that was equally as good as anything i’ve had in oz..i dropped 2 burritos and corn chips.i love a good food coma!!.last show was in london,,minimal sleep due to someone inviting some terrible guests overs.I hung with Graham for the morning and rode the tube in from  his house where we dropped his car in south london,some crack head bitch went nuts at us in the convience store over something to do with a flower? weird shit.then the “pakki” dude working there was saw my tattoos ..first question..not the standard “did it hurt” but “how much” oh let me just check my receipt book and find out for you man..weirdo..and into the confusion of foggy london town..the place is nothing short of an enigma.widing streets.dead ends.alleys…i got afew pairs of shoes,definately slept on some cool shit but transactions are a hassle due to the amount of fraud you need ID,a pin number and more just to use your credit card so fuck it.viva la savings account!!… The show was apparently meant to be sold out…uh uh..the vibe was dead and definately not feeling it..we played..sold some shit and split for the over night drive to france.stopping for the worst ever fast food before the ferry ride..i said goodbye to my size 9 chuckka low’s complete with 3 months of no sock wearing stench and left them in a shitty ass puddle out the front of the burger stand…bye bye UK…love to Dirty Moneys,Cold Snap,Amy’s shopping tour.River Card and Heather the drunk aka joe’s stalker…

viva le baguette

 

France…welcome to expensive food,rude people and highway tolls every 2 minutes..we had to drive about 8hrs from holland to “le mans”…what a dump..the venue was huge with a big ass PA and stage..suprisingly alot of HC kids were there so it was pretty cool.The food was weird..lots of dips and guess what? bread and cheese even some wine for those into it.The portugese dudes were playing again,for the glory and day of the dead,they were pretty cool and cool dudes..we sold some merch..played and got the fuck outta there  this is the transaction for merch in france “how many?” .. “english please” … “blah blah blah baguette” …” its 12 euro fuck off”..baina’s head blew up so that sucked so we were a 4 peice for  3 songs but whatever..its france..they let the germans walk right in,us losing a guitar for 3 songs is no big deal right?we decide it’s a funny thing to say “le” at the start of every word in our set,lets see you “le mosh”,me and klint tried to talk french to some people with little sucess,petie miam isn’t really an insightful after all..

we loaded up on free energy drinks and split for the UK ferry..6 hr drive,we got into calais at about 7am? i dunno..i was kinda out of it due to sleeping under a seat..our driver got the ticket for what he thought was the ferry..$550 euro? fuck thats abit expensive…turns out he went to the wrong place and got us a 1 way ticket for the train hahaha..easily fixed.Another half hour and we’re in the right place at the wrong time,due to imigration and our visas we missed the first ferry..BUMMMMMMMMMMERRRR!!!!  

we get on the ferry,no big deal..annoy some school kids buy asking it they’re either from hogwart’s or Ron weesley.suck it! 2hrs later through the nasty grey british fog we hit the white cliffs of dover and head off for nottingham,the home of bad teeth and robin hood.

The venue is a small as pub with no venilation and is so humid palm trees could be growing in the corners.300000 bands later Cold Snap and Dirty Money play..both bands are ill as shit and awesome dudes,we had to play after dirty money which in the UK is the dumbest thing you can do apart from trying to blow up the queen..possibly on par..They destroyed it,we did not..We stayed with ugly tom in his little flat,his girlfriend seemed kinda pissed about us even being there but whatever.Late wake up,Cold shower and we’re off for a 5pound bighot breakfast,such a refreshing change considering the cold cuts,cheese and bread in the rest of europe..its kinda disturbing to see Old ass  hags drinking full pints of beer at 10am swearing like sailors,welcome to the UK.

in ze forrest

so we left shithouse holland for belgium,stopped at a cool town where the Euro union was formed,not sure if it was in holland or belgium but going by the number of weed acessories stores i’d say holland..the town was packed with people..mostly with cool dogs.we got some chips with mayo and sauce,standard euro shit,then found some fresh deserts,ice creams dipped in chocolate or shit that resembles a better version of the coating of the golden gay time? so good..and fresh waffles half cooked.cutt in half and stuffed with chocolate..set it offfff. the venue is in belgium,i think it was pretty close to bastiogne? basically the cool episode of band of brothers in the snow..any way the venue is a weird hunting lodge of the edge of the forrest..the promoter is a young retard.we had to play 2nd under 2 shit local bands,whatever.show was ok, I did a weird interview for some kids zine…bad english.bad questions..bad breath. filip showed up for abit and it was cool to see him again,he had to bounce early which sucked. so the show is done and it comes down to the “where our cash.where are we staying” turns out the accomodation is double booked and we have to stay at the venue on some matresses the kid has hired..might i mention the 4ft long elephant gun on the wall and double locks on the inside of the doors,obviously trying to keep something out right? fuck it!! glass coke bottle and candy slumberr parttyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

border patrol,weed and stoned retards

 

so the last 3 days have been uneventful..germany is germany…drive..set up..play..eat weird food..sleep at a weird ass house.nothing amazing.Karlshue(insert correct spelling here) was cool,wespent half theday wandering what we thought was the city..turns out to be the quietest turkish neighborhood ever till we found mr happy pants hippy who gave us proper directions to the city..thanks again,pity your pants look like they came from woodstock.the city was ok,we got some drinks and looked around,we went to a weird pizza chain called joeys and luckily the girl spoke OK english..me and Boz split a huge cheese pizza for 7Euro(cant complain there) later on we ran into nanouk which was kinda random,we decided to get the tram back to the venue instead of walking..it was a good 5km or something..there was a shit ton of black people in this town its like germany made a point after the nazis that they love every immigrant..like they’re trying to make the world forget..good luck hans.We’re in holland now and I guess it’s abit more interesting.20km from the town we get pulled over .

 

the show was nothing special.blah blah…

we just got into holland afew hrs ago and got completely searched at the border..im talking x rays of all the gear and backs..crazy dogs getting in the van (lucky they didnt piss on any of our stuff).we finally get to the venue and its in a paved part of the city where we cant drive in so we get a pass to drive in..Done…road block!

we drive down the street and there is a retard in a wheelchair smoking a huge Tupac style blunt in the middle of the road,we’re kinda like “you theres a van behind you ..move..” so he starts flipping us off yelling some kind of dutch retard words…nice guy..theres alot of people with mopeds or automatic wheelchairs haulling major ass on the foot paths,considering weed is legal here i wonder what the crash / retard percentage is?

the show tonite should be dope..RS 50L , 2 bands from portugal and a UK band with dudes from knuckledust…im sure everyone is going to end up at the “cafe” aka weedspot later so ill be back at the apple store milking a latte to leach off the open to public wifi ….

there is 6 bands on tonite so to kill time we went for a walk around the town.,its kinda cool,seems like every 2nd shop is a sneaker or streetwear store,pity shit is supppper expensive,,,ice cream on the other hand isnt!!! score!so it turns out smoking is MEANT to be banned in clubs…not this one..the place smells like an ash tray and the show is kinda whack.we got outta there ASAP and the promoter took us to the hotel…”hotel pension” this place is definately haunted and is right next to a train over pass…belgium tomorrow means 1 thing..fries…

keen to rinse the tobacco ash off my body and go to sleep,you know shit is rough when you miss germany..viva ignorance